Wow, so I haven't written in forever! There goes my initial intention of this blog- to help ease my anxiety. Instead I have avoided writing because I have had so many concerns lately and it was easier to not say them out loud. However, I realize this is not healthy for me or my little June bug so here I am attempting to spew my worries on page rather than keep them bottled up to swim through my head day in and day out. Maybe along the way others will join and let me know I am not alone and we can have a little worry -wart mother's- to- be army to help combat each other's anxieties. I think I have also realized that for me to fully benefit from this blog and unload my worries I need to be honest about my history and include it so at this point I should expand on my past pregnancies to help gain some perspective on where my worries stem from on top of all the unknowns of being a First Time Mom.
My fiancé and I have experienced two miscarriages within the last three years before getting pregnant this September. My first miscarriage happened about three years ago (I don't remember specific timing because I tend to blank out on my bad experiences, thank god for Mike, my fiancé, because he is able to reiterate my medical history to our midwife, otherwise I would be lost). Mike and I hadn't been dating very long, maybe 6 - 8 months, when we found out I was pregnant. So needless to say we were nervous about the reception of our news but none the less Mike and I were excited, I especially was filled with hope since I had preconceived notions that I couldn't become pregnant due to making a decision early in my 20s to abort an early pregnancy that was a result of rape. My family helped with my decision but I was never fully confident in that decision and the abortion was never ever talked about again. When all I truly needed WAS to talk about it. I couldn't say that I ever regretted the decision but I can say that the decision 100% changed who I was. I went through a deep depression for years afterwards - with really not knowing I was- since I never talked to anyone about it or recieved counseling. And with college, work, and then living in my own apartment my depression only affected me, so most people didn't notice. I didn't really notice either, I just thought, "this is who I am".
That is until I met Mike...we would stay up really late on my porch having hour long conversations about how we saw our future and what we wanted out of life. The idea that I wouldn't be able to have children as a way of punishment due to my decision to abort was always on my mind so I had to mention it to Mike especially if we were to get serious about our relationship. Mike knew about my past, which also led us to talk about adoption and whether he would be open to that and his feelings about not being able to have his own child(ren) if he decided to be with me.
So that fateful day came 6-8 months into our relationship when we found out we were pregnant and we were so excited! I was terrified to tell my family - which didn't really support the pregnancy and would low and behold now talk about abortion! Multiple phone conversations were had in which I was asked to abort the pregnancy "just like before" "we can take care of this" "everything will be ok". I was pissed to put it lightly!! And Mike was beyond enraged at the idea. Of course I put my foot down and explained how those suggestions hurt me and that the family member had no idea how that past decision has affected me. This was a pregnancy we consented to and wanted! So the weeks continued to go by, the pregnancy continued to "stick" until finally that family member came around and actually started e-mailing me name suggestions!! Score! Yay!!! I was so excited and could finally relax and enjoy my pregnancy - everyone was on board!
Two days later we went for an ultrasound (I think I was between 10 and 11 weeks along) and I can remember the US tech's exact words - "well, there's your baby, but..." Me: "there's no heart beat?" The US tech didn't say another word and excused herself from the room.....we had miscarried. The baby had passed two weeks prior and my body had yet to pass the baby naturally. I finally I had family support and I was able to enjoy being pregnant and the idea of being a mother and I had to have a D&C... I hated every second of it. The procedure was scheduled for the next day. I didn't sleep at all that night. Mike went and bought me a ring in the baby's birthstone so I could always have something to remember the baby by. He also came home with coloring books and crayons. I just mindlessly sat in my living room and colored those Disney pictures perfectly, paying close attention to stay within the lines… I don't know but there is something about coloring that has always been calming to me. Well the evening went on and I just couldn't sleep, so I sat on my computer listening to music while I stared into space chain smoking (I had quit once I found out I was pregnant) and then Eric Clapton's "Stairway to Heaven" came over my speakers and I lost it! Mike came to me and just rocked me; I had reached my lowest of lows. After the miscarriage I went into a deep depression to the point where Mike finally said to me "Cait, you need help... I want to help you, but I'm not enough, you need to go see someone". So I did and Mike's suggestion was the best thing anyone could have ever done for me.
I found a great therapist and was given all these technical labels like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Chronic Depression (I hate labels) and started medication and began talking. I love my therapist and she helped me tremendously and come to find out Yes, it all had to start with my rape and abortion, so we worked through that together and worked on managing depression and all sorts of fun therapy hoopla.
The most recent miscarriage was around May and was pretty insignificant (as much as miscarriages can be for a woman). We had found out we were pregnant and within a week I had started spotting and due to my first experience with miscarriage I wanted to know IMEDIATELY if I was miscarrying so we went to the Emergency Room. And of course I was too early along for them to really be able to tell and they couldn't see a yolk sac. So I prepared myself for the miscarriage and ended up within the week of finding out we conceived -miscarrying naturally at home. I say this miscarriage was insignificant but only because it happened so soon that I didn't have time to get attached to the "idea" of being pregnant, however the miscarriage did remind me that my body was "broken" or "not good enough". It once again made me feel as if I failed my fiancé by hanging this "carrot" in front of him of being a daddy, just to rip the proverbial carrot away.
I felt like a failure.
After my second miscarriage I went to my OB interested in starting testing to find out why I was miscarrying but their suggestion was to wait since I had only had two and they were both within the first trimester. So we decided to wait and I decided I had to do something to help our chances of conceiving. So I started exercising seriously and eating well - I mean really well. I was determined. I also spoke with my therapist and we decided together to wean me off my medication because I didn't want anything to jeopardize my chances - but obviously we discussed the risks and the likelihood how difficult pregnancy and postpartum would be for me. I was doing really well, no pregnancy yet but I felt in control of my life! And then BAM- We were pregnant…again!
Of course we are thrilled but this time it is different. We are cautious, protective, scared...worried. Needless to say we were on pins and needles through the entire 1st trimester. And of course my first question for the US tech is "do you see the heart beat?" at every appointment. We didn't tell friends and family right away however Mike just couldn't contain himself by about week 10 or 11, I on the other hand wanted him to wait until at least week 14. But it's his experience too so I didn't make a fuss, but I definately felt more pressure to keep this baby "sticking" between weeks 10-14. I have had so many conflicting feelings throughout this pregnancy that it has been hard for me to even accept that I am pregnant. Of course I am excited and really looking forward to being a mother, but it just doesn't seem real yet, or maybe I am not letting myself think about it as real. Either way I feel a bit detached as I approach week 21 and my anatomy ultrasound next week.....
